I’ve been thinking about my heart these days because I had my third heart surgery in five years a couple of weeks ago.  That coupled with an impending birthday has me reflecting upon this very vital organ.  I hope it is strong.  I hope it is healing properly after this last surgery.  I hope it will continue to pump blood throughout my body for years to come.  I hope it will at long last beat a rhythm that is considered normal and not what has been normal for me over the last few decades.  Well, that last hope is already blown.  I still have my very particular Terry heart that beats to its own rhythm.

I don’t want to live forever, but I do want to live for a good long time.  After all, I still have teenagers at home and I want as much time with them as well as with my husband, my older kids, and my grandson.  I want much more time to laugh with them, cry with them, celebrate with them, and love with them.  I want much more time to serve God and serve others.  At the same time, I am aware that each second of the day, the amount of time and opportunities for life decreases.  Stick with me.  This is not a reflection on preparing to die.

In Matthew 24, Jesus teaches about being prepared for his return.  No one knows when the Savior will return, not even Jesus the Christ himself.  But each of us should be living as if we are completely prepared for that to happen.  In fact, we should keep watch because we don’t want to be unprepared.  In order to be prepared, I must return to my first few words: I’ve been thinking about my heart.  How well it pumps blood has nothing to do with being prepared and yes, my heart has everything to do with being prepared.

God sends Samuel to Jesse’s house to anoint a new king.  Samuel sees Eliab and says, to himself, “Now this is what a king looks like.”  And God says, “Nope.”  One by one, Jesse’s sons stand before Samuel and God says, “Nope.”  And then this ruddy, scrawny kid, David, is brought from watching the flock to Samuel.  God says, “This one; this one has the right heart.”

Now David wasn’t perfect (think Bathsheba).  But David loved God and sought him throughout his life; before and even after his sins.  If I want to be prepared, I must think about my heart.  Am I seeking after God?  Do I offer words of gratitude or words of disgruntlement?  Am I speaking love to those around me or do I point out their faults?  Am I spending my days seeking just what God wants me to do and to learn while I am here on this planet?

Robert Benson, in Between the Dreaming and Coming True writes, “What I fear now is that I will somehow miss what it is that I am supposed to learn here, something important enough that the Dreamer dispatched me, and the rest of us, here to learn.  What I fear now is that I will somehow miss the point of living here at all, living here between the dreaming and the coming true.”

Some days, I very clearly understand what I am supposed to be learning and what I am supposed to be doing with my life much like the sunny days just right for beach going and outdoor celebrations.  But there are many days when I struggle to see the Light that guides my steps.  It’s like the fog has rolled in and stays put day after day.  I long to see the Light but try as I might, I just can’t get through.  In those days, I feel anxious, defeated, and lost and it feels as if I am missing the point of living here “between the dreaming and the coming true” – between when God dreamt and spoke us into being and when we return to God after this lifetime.

How do we get there – to that place where we are learning what God desires us to learn and living a life of readiness?  A life of a heart full of love: God’s love for us, our love for God, and the sharing of that love with those around us?

Benson writes, “We do not always see that we should be moving about our days and lives and places with awe and reverence and wonder, with the same soft steps with which we enter the room of a sleeping child or the mysterious silence of a cathedral.”

How many of us have crept into the room where a child is sleeping and done everything to be as careful and as quiet as possible?  We understand the sacredness of that child and our responsibility to care for her with our utmost concern.  What if we met every person, every interaction, every challenge, and every joy with that same kind of awe and reverence and wonder – as if we were stepping into the holiest of places rendered speechless because of the presence of God?

I believe those able to live that kind of life are ready.  I believe those whose hearts are full of gratitude are full of life and Light.  I believe a heart full of love is what counts – not the dance of a heart’s rhythm.  That’s the heart I desire as I lean towards the coming true.